


In An Unceremonious Way

by nintendonut1



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Macabre Humor, Minor Character Death, srsly tho i mean these guys joke about death constantly what're'y gonna do
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-09-20 07:18:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9480836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nintendonut1/pseuds/nintendonut1
Summary: Taako wins a bet. Merle laughs about death. Magnus would probably find it funny too.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [goodnicepeople](https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodnicepeople/gifts).



> Spoilers for Episode 55, aka Part Five of The Suffering Game!!!
> 
> This is short and brisk and pretty much how I'd imagine this would go down.

If only he had more loyal guards.

The moment the milky white tentacles appeared, it was like a light switch; quite literally, they were all surrounded by darkness, an inky, freezing cold darkness.

His men were used to protecting him against revolting peasants with pitchforks and hammers, not eldritch magic.

They were gone, as fast as they could with the squirming earth under their horses’ hooves. The spell was centered on him, he was trapped in the middle, and not one loathsome hand reached out to save him. His own horse caterwauled and thrashed itself to freedom, kicking him square in the ribs when it did so, leaving him incapacitated even after the tentacles retreated, the blackness went away, the horrid sounds dissipated.

Those sounds. Those horrible sounds. Cries of terror from his men were blanketed by the ungodly calamity, whispers from another world, another plane of existence where chaos thrived. Those sounds would haunt him for the rest of his days.

Or seconds, as it turned out.

Whispers turned into the crunch of soft boots in the dirt, a shade of tasteless pink that stopped in front of him. With a wheeze, the mad governor dragged his gaze up to immediately meet the gnarled point of an umbrella. An equally tasteless way to meet his end.

A voice, thin and stretched as the mist around them, brought his gaze past the point of his doom, up to the plain face of his elfin assassin.

“This is for Julia.”

* * *

Taako waited for a beat. As the echoing blasts began to fade, he pointlessly glanced both ways down the dirt path, far, far between any signs of civilization. The intel he’d gathered told him Governor Callen often used this road less traveled by to make his rounds across his territory.

He nodded to himself. Yup, coast was clear.

“Way to go, brainiac,” he chided the smoldering corpse before him. “Your paranoia’s left me in the clear. A plus, my man.”

Callen didn’t deserve Taako’s sharp wit while still alive, apparently. Not like he knew the man, but according to Magnus, he didn’t. The elf grinned to himself at the thought, but the grim reality chased it away quickly.

With a sigh, he knelt down to pull each gaudy ring from the late governor’s crispy fingers. Turns out gold and gems can hold up to his arcane fires; flesh; not so much. He stood and admired his loot, clinking between his fingers. He’d admire them more later on when he had better lighting that wasn’t misty and drab. It’s the small things in life.

He continued to move his fingers in a way that produced as much of the satisfying clinking noises as possible as he reached for his Stone of Far Speech. “Heyo, Merle. You awake?”

A long moment passed, and then a fizzy grumble. “I am now. What the hell, Taako.”

“One hundred gold.”

“…what.”

“That was the bet.” He made absolute sure that his smirk was audible in his voice, leaning on his Umbra Staff. “If one of us got him, the other had to pay ‘em a hundred. Draw if done together.”

Taako could _hear_ the exact moment of realization on the other side of the line. “…wait a minute. You did it? He’s dead??”

His gaze floated back to the charred body. “The pig is roasted.”

“Aw! Aw dammit!” Taako lived for hearing such an exasperation from the defeated dwarf. “That’s not fair! I got a _family_ over here!”

“You snooze you lose, buster brown.”

“Ugh. _Ugh._ Geez. Well, congrats, I guess.”

“I’ll file it away as an IOU, family expenses come first.”

“Thanks for that,” Merle mumbled.

Taako allowed himself a snorting chuckle that died off right away. He looked up and down the road again, his newly bedazzled thumb running across the ancient wood handle of his staff.

“…think we should tell Magnus?”

“He wouldn’t know what we’re talking about and you know it.” It was a bit startling, for Merle to match his sudden tone shift so easily.

So much so that he tried to shift back. “Well, so what? You know ‘em, I know ‘em, he’d probably appreciate it anyway.”

“Taako…”

“‘Hey Mags, remember that time back in Wonderland where you had to give up the memory of your revenge quest haha shit was jokes right? Well hey guess what!’”

That successfully got a sputtering laugh out of Merle, one that he was obviously struggling to keep quiet. Right, sleeping kids, oops. “You know what, he probably _would_ get a kick outta that.”

“Radical, I’ll call him up--“

“Noooooo no. No, no, no…” Taako’s nose wrinkled. Was Merle chastising him? “Listen, I know you’re eager for your recognition but--“

“ _Ow._ Ow, my dude.”

“Alright, I’m sorry. I just don’t think that’s the kind of conversation to have over Stones of Far Speech, you know?”

Taako chewed at his lip. He hated it, but admitted, “I guess you’re right.”

“’Course I am.”

“For the first time in your life,” he bit back, a bit weaker than he would’ve liked. “…could save it for our next get-together. When is that again?”

“Next week, at my place.”

“ _Auuuuggghhh_ I’ll _die_ before then.”

A pause, and then Taako blinked at the tiny giggle fit that followed. “What?”

“I’m just, imagining you pitching yer fit and saying that over the charbroiled carcass of Mad Governor Callen like--!!” He dissolved into more blubbering giggles, not knowing he had gained a genuine smile from the elf in return. That kind of macabre humor shared between the three of them was a special part of what bonded them so close. 

Of what made all this so important. So worth the risk.

“You can tell that part of the story to him. I’m sure he’ll laugh too.”

**Author's Note:**

> I was thinking a lot about the song "Hopeless Bleak Despair" by They Might Be Giants and that's where the title comes from i don't know about any other significance related to it but i thought that might've been a neat tidbit to share with you


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